CONTROL

Stephen ponders “control.” He asks “Why do people seek control so often?” and “When is one’s control according to His will?”

Good questions. People seek control of others and situations in order to control their own lives. There is an insecurity in them that doesn’t let them accept themselves or others as they are and allow those they seek to control to make their own decisions and live according to their needs.

Perhaps fear of not being able to manage their own lives is the root of trying to control others. History is a series of control—controlling populations, nations, and events. Every day we hear of someone trying to control another through abuse, gangs, lies, even murder. What does this person fear that makes him/her try to dominate others? It is the fear of insecurity that drives people to do what will keep them on top. Being the best, the greatest, the icon, the idol, the boss is most important to them. By controlling others they feel the security of insecurity.

Their insecurity stems from a lack of trust in God. If they trust in God, what will happen to them? The great unknown is frightening. They need to take a leap into faith, the darkness that does not reveal the future, and allow God to catch them and bring them to the light of love. Their insecurity makes them fear love because love can lead them to give up control. When you love someone, you are vulnerable and put yourself in the hands of the one you trust. When that someone does not fulfill your expectations you are afraid to trust and love again. Therefore, it is easier to control others than to let them control you through the pain you carry inside from failed relationships.

John Powell, S. J. in his book, “Seasons of the Heart” (page 190) writes: Security is such a deep need in us…What will happen to me if I let go? Will I have enough—enough time, enough money, enough provisions for old age, enough people to care for me, enough intelligence, enough health…? And so I hold on tightly to my security banisters. They make me feel safe but they keep me stationary. They are an obstacle to grace.

Grace. A gift from God. Grace is peace with the Father and oneself. Lacking the peace within that the Father gives causes us to live in constant turmoil. Either we control or are controlled. As Powell writes, “(the security banisters) keep me stationary.” I cannot move forward, I cannot change, I cannot be whole. To remain in control means I have to remain as I am today. There cannot be any growth, emotional or spiritual, that will help me look deeply within and transform my inner self so that God can work in me. Change comes only within me, not in others, because that is where our Lord is and waiting for me to make that choice. He wants me to be the person He created, the one he loves, the one He wants to spend eternity with.

Control. A word filled with pain for both the controller and the one controlled. Love. An action filled with grace that leads to trust. Let go of fear, let go of insecurity, let go of control and let God bring you peace and freedom within as you allow Him to love you. It is His love that will show you His will to live your life the way He has chosen for you and how you can allow others to do the same.

Alma Maish